Live from beautiful Laredo, TX, it's Monday Night Raw, Rumble Fallout Edition. Owens retained against Roman when Braun interfered, Charlotte retained against Bayley, Nia Jax beat Sasha I think, it was on the preshow, and Gallows and Gun are the new tag team champs. Orton, a Smackdown guy, won the Rumble but Roman was the last guy eliminated, after tossing out the Undertaker. Goldberg speared and eliminated Lesnar as handily as he beat him at Survivor Series. Sami Zayn is a geek. Neville is the new Cruiserweight champ. I think that's it. Here's the show.
Owens and Jericho open the show to gloat. Jericho broke the record for the longest cumulative time in the rumble. He lasted in the rumble this year for 61 minutes and dubs himself the 61 minute man. He encourages fans to hashtag it, #61minuteman. Braun demands a title shot as payment for helping Owens win because they agreed to it. Owens denies that but Braun shows the footage from a couple weeks ago when Owens definitely granted Braun a title shot in a Beckett-esque threat to Roman Reigns. Owens says that footage was photoshopped. Braun demands the shot again or he'll break Owens in half. The Mickster comes out in a ridiculous suit. Mick grants the match.
First match of the night is Chris Jericho against Sami Zayn. Sami gets the pin after a match I didn't manage to watch. It was probably good.
Cesaro and Sheamus are arguing again. Bayley runs in and breaks them up. There's a 6-man tag tonight, Bayley and these big boys against Charlotte, Gallows, and MGKA. The heel team runs in. Gallows' beard is getting out of control. It's like six inches long and juts straight out of his chin. Charlotte says tonight "the champs beat the chumps." Then Gallows calls them nerds.
Backstage, Owens and Stephanie commiserate. Owens thinks its unfair for Foley to make him defend the belt so soon after his grueling defense against Roman. Stephanie agrees and says, as soon as she deals with Seth Rollins, she'll make sure Owens' match against Braun is cancelled.
We're in the purple zone with Tony Nese, the premiere athlete, representing the premiere athlete brand, facing off against Mustafa Ali. I hate Tony Nese. Tony Nese wins after a real sloppy match where he dumped Prince Ali directly on his head. He won with the running knee. Post-match, Aries interviews him. He asks Nese what he'd say to the critics who think he's charisma-less. Nese says one sentence as boringly as possible.
I think they remixed Seth's theme. The snare sounds like garbage now. He's out to call out Stephanie. He calls her babe. Seth, please. Stephanie says she's here to disappoint Seth. Seth says just like she does HHH! Stephanie says HHH isn't here tonight. Seth says he doesn't care about Stephanie without Hunter, he just wants to talk to her cowardly husband who is too scared to face him. Stephanie says that HHH is scared, scared he'll go to the dark side and murder Seth Rollins. This is the least buyable promo. She calls Seth a delusional failure. She demands an apology for Seth turning his back on the McMahons. Seth apologizes for exposing him as a snake! He points out that when he called HHH on Saturday, he had his NXT security goons fight his battle for him. That guy wasn't the Cerebral Assassin, "that's a scared dude." Seth says he's the greatest risk to Triple H's legacy and also that Stephanie has the hots for him. Stephanie says HHH is a creator and a destroyer, he created Seth and he's going to destroy him! Seth threatens to "invade" Titan Tower and also threatens to beat up Stephanie's kids. This strikes a nerve and Stephanie reveals "Triple H is coming, and he's coming for you!" She storms out.
Cesaro, Sheamus and Bayley vs Karl Anderson, Luke Gallows and Charlotte. The crowd is pretty hot for this. The babyfaces win!
Backstage, Stephanie accuses Mick of having a "brain fart" when he booked Owens vs Braun. Mick says that if HHH doesn't show up tonight he'll cancel the Braun/Owens match? I don't really get what the purpose of that segment was other than for Stephanie to say fart on camera.
Neville's heel theme is good and he comes out next to the purple zone. He cuts a great promo. Snarling, evil Neville is so much fun. Rich Swann's music interrupts him and he comes out on the stage. Swann says that Neville is being paranoid and imagining that the fans don't like him because he's the only cruiserweight that the fans actually react to. Rich offers to help Neville build a bridge and work everything out as friends. He extends his hand. Neville says you don't shake hands with a king, you bow. Swann goes to leave, Neville says "you don't turn your back on your king," and jumps him. Swann gets the best of it though and knocks Neville out of the ring with a high kick then dives on him. This was a good cruiserweight segment!
Backstage, Sasha is getting worked on by the trainer when Bayley runs in. Bayley says it's a better idea to go after Nia after her knee heels than working hurt. She says she's not okay with losing, like some people.
Jericho tries to reassure Owens after word gets back that his match against Stroman is still on. He says no matter what, they'll still be United States champion. Owens demands that Jericho have his back tonight but Chris is hesitant.
It's that match, Kevin Owens defending his belt against Braun Stroman. Stroman comes out and immediately chokeslams Jericho, who is sitting in on commentary, through the commentary table. Why doesn't Kevin Owens immediately punt Stroman in the groin or, better yet, bring a gun to the ring and shoot Braun Stroman dead. JoJo still does her introduction. The bell rings and Owens tries running around the ring to escape from Braun but it doesn't work. Braun beats Owens pillar to post. Owens fires back after Braun hits the post. He's working extremely babyface-y. Roman comes out and causes the DQ by superman punching Braun. Roman throws Braun over the top rope to the floor. Another superman punch off the steps followed by a spear off the steps. Michael Cole says "he takes down the monster among men." Weird nickname. He then spears Owens as well. Roman stomps off as Stroman leaps back to his feet.
Cut to outside, a black SUV rolls up and Cole says it's Triple H but instead it is Brock Lesnar.
Brock and Paul E. come to the ring after a commercial break. Heyman says that Goldberg should be a footnote but now he's an asterisk that comes up every time anyone mentions Brock Lesnar. "Yeah, but Goldberg," is a phrase Paul doesn't like! He HATES it in fact! Brock challenges Goldberg to a final match in their trilogy at Wrestlemania. I hope it's move for move, spot for spot, the WMXX match.
Sasha Banks versus Nia Jax is next. Nia Jax does a move that looks like it did zero damage. She then puts Sasha in a reverse boston crab and the bell rings without the ref calling for it or Sasha tapping out. I don't get it what's happening. Bayley runs out to chase Nia off. Nia releases the hold and Bayley checks on Sasha. Nia heads to the back. Why did the bell ring. They just cut to the next segment. Why wouldn't they address this? I hate this show. What was the point.
Jinder, Rusev, and Lana are in the ring when Enzo and Cass come out and make fun of Jinder for being vascular and Rusev for wearing a nose protector for his broken nose. They do a bunch of Wizard of Oz material. It's bad. A match breaks out that is apparently supposed to be the blow off to this horrible feud. Enzo and Cass win when Cass beats the breaks off Rusev and Jinder singlehandedly.
A limo pulls up and it's the asskicker, the cerebral assassin, the king of kings, Hunter Hearst Hemlsey.
Triple H finally comes out to his heel music. Finally. He calls out "Seth freakin' Rollins." He takes credit for making Seth's career. He's upset Seth didn't hold up his end of the bargain and listen to the Authority in exchange for being made. He says that Seth getting hurt was him spitting in the face of the McMahons. When his return flopped, Seth thought Triple H should have kept protecting him. "I gave you the world, Seth Rollins, and you spit in my face." Triple H says he's kept away from the show because he doesn't want to end Seth's, or anyone else's career, just because his temper gets the better of him. He's been sticking to NXT and trying to build something but when Seth invaded on Saturday, it made it personal. That's why he's here tonight. He calls Seth down to the ring so he can destroy him to cheers and applause. Seth comes out, takes his shirt off, and storms towards the ring when it happens. Samoa Joe jumps Seth Rollins. Samoa Joe, referred to as Triple H's heavy, lays Rollins out. He does moves to him as Triple H walks up the ramp and out of the building. Cole is really selling Joe as NXT personified. He locks in the Coquina Clutch. Joe chokes Rollins unconscious to end the show.
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