Live from beautiful New Orleans, Louisiana, the gem of the gulf coast, it's Monday Night Raw! HBK and Undertaker advertised tonight. Wrestlemania is going to be in this city again next year.
I tuned in a little late (120 seconds) but Seth and Braun are brawling in the Mickster's office. Mick has his commissioner Foley hair. Mick is promising that the Undertaker will be here and Stephanie is yelling at him.
First match tonight is Roman Reigns defending his belt from Owens and Jericho in a two on one handicap match. This is like that Stone Cold vs Undertaker and Kane match from like '98, whoever pins Roman walks away with the belt. Is Russo back? I'm serious, is Russo back? Before the bell can ring Braun Stroman runs down. Reigns starts brawling with Braun and it turns into a three-on-one beatdown. Then Seth's music hits and he's got a chair. Russo is back. He has to be. Seth and Roman beat Braun down with chairs until Stephanie's music hits. She says that she's going to put Roman vs Jericho and Owens off until later but right now it's Seth versus Braun.
This is a brawl-y deal. Braun is fun and Seth is Seth. They tease a lot of big moves that don't connect. There's a double count-out finish. Why bother. Braun tries to keep beating Seth up but he gets a chair and chases Braun off.
Backstage, Bayley and Sasha are talking. Sasha hopes Bayley wins so that they can have a match at Wrestlemania. Charlotte comes in and says that Sasha is lying, she's not really Bayley's friend. She rubs her PPV streak in their faces. Nia Jax walks into frame and knocks Sasha down. Charlotte jumps Bayley and Nia kicks a prone Sasha directly in the b-hole. Nia then turns on Charlotte and slams her into an equipment rack.
It's purple time and Austin Aries is on commentary. Jack Gallagher, yuck, versus Drew Gulak. This could be good as long as it isn't funny. Gallagher wins. It was fine. Did you know Wayne Brady was nominated for a Grammy? Post-match, Gallagher cuts a promo on Ariya Daivari. He's offering an olive branch to Daivari to give him a chance to end things in an honorable parley instead of the thrashing he is prepared to give him. Charlie makes Gallagher explain what "parley" means.
Backstage, Stephanie doesn't think the Undertaker is really there. Mick thinks he can psychically sense the Undertaker and his psychic sensing is saying that he's there. Stephanie says she'll fire Mick if he doesn't produce the Undertaker before 10.
The Heart Break Kid Shawn Michaels is out next. Before the commercial break they showed a clip of TJP teaching him how to dab. HBK is completely out of breath and shilling the Rumble. This is a bad segment despite it being HBK. Rusev interrupts, accompanied by Lana and Jinder Mahal. Rusev wants Shawn Michaels to CGI Lana into the Resurrection of Gavin Stone like Peter Cushing. HBK says the CGI artists can only render hair. HBK asks if Rusev can superkick him and Rusev says "probably not." HBK makes a weird golden globes joke. Rusev says "That must be an American joke because I don't get it. Anyways... Put my wife in your movie!" This man deserves a raise. The funniest man in the company. Enzo's music hits and Cass walks out and he scooters out. Enzo does his whole thing with HBK occasionally chiming in and Rusev looking extremely confused. Some movies Cass says Rusev could star in: 40 Year Old Virgin, Puss in Boots, Beauty and the Beast, the Good, the Bad and the Ugly, and the Pianist. Cass says Pianist like "penis" and that breaks HBK and Enzo. HBK calls them Dumb and Dumber. Cass challenges Rusev to a match but Rusev volunteers Jinder to wrestle in his place. This segment was really funny after Rusev came out but before Enzo and Cass. Cass calls Rusev SAWFT and HBK tells him to suck it!
HBK remains at ringside and so do Enzo, Rusev, and Lana. HBK superkicks Rusev to even the odds as the finishing sequence approaches. Cass does his moves and wins 1, 2, 3. Boring match.
They're doing really gross teasing fetish-y vignettes for Emmalina. Really leaning into it in the grossest way. Might as well be putting amiibos in her mouth.
We're in the purple zone again as Neville comes out. He squashes Lince Dorado, makes him submit to the Rings of Saturn, and beats him up after the bell. Rich Swann comes out to make the save.
They play a video package for Edge? Oh, he's talking about the Rumble he won in 2010.
Stephanie is mad at a stagehand for putting a plant in a weird place. Bayley and Sasha run in and Stephanie punishes them for being around.
Sheamus versus Festus. Gallows' beard has gotten bigger and it's extremely bad. Cesaro and Anderson on commentary is pretty good. Anderson tries to draw the distraction finish by attacking Cesaro but Sheamus kicks out and brogue kicks Festus off the distraction. Sheamus wins!
Charly asks Roman whether he's worried about facing noted weak and bad wrestlers Kevin and Chris after strong, big man Braun Stroman beat him up. He's not worried.
The Mickster out to introduce the Undertaker. It would be funny if Taker doesn't show up. The lights go out and the crowd goes crazy. Stephanie McMahon's music hits. Why are they doing this. Vince Russo, why are you doing this. You're getting people to turn the show off. She says the Undertaker isn't here tonight and she apologizes for Mick lying. She's gonna fire him. She does the performance review gimmick. Didn't she just give Mick a performance review a couple weeks ago? I hate this. She asks Mick if he has anything to say for himself and the dong dongs. Lights out, lightning on the tron, through hellfire and brimstone that's gotta be the Undertaker.
"I'm back. And I think it important that the world should know that I will be entering the Royal Rumble. I answer to no one. I go where I want when I want. Nobody controls the Undertaker." He gets in Stephanie's face. "No one." He returns to the middle of the ring. "Now I have returned to the city where I suffered my most devastating loss and where the streak came to it's demise. But my journey continues to the Royal Rumble. I've dug 29 holes for 29 souls and I will be bringing the darkside to the Royal Rumble match. I will return to the main event of Wrestlemania and if anyone, and I mean anyone, stands in my way, they will rest in peace." Then he makes a weird gurgling noise.
Backstage, Kevin and Chris tell Charlie it's time for some Canadians to become the face of the United States.
Bayley and Sasha vs Charlotte and Nia. Boy, given the earlier segment, I wonder what the angle's gonna be here. Nia Jax should be a babyface. Turn Sasha, give Nia gear that's more like Awesome Kong's. Nia and Charlotte wine after Nia drops the leg on Bayley.
Backstage, Noam Dar is looking in a mirror when ALICIA FUCHHSSS shows up. He invites Alicia to slap him but she kisses him instead and then calls him a bad kisser. Weird segment.
AWWWW NAWLINS. The New Day are giving Booty-O showers to fans in the crowd. It seems like they're specifically targeting adults but some kids are also getting showered in Booty-Os. Titus comes out because the New Day has an offer. Titus apologizes for clocking Woods. Titus tries to do memes. He asks for a chance, a real chance. Kofi found footage of Titus looking clumsy. It's from the second season of the reality show NXT. Titus tripping over a keg over and over. The New Day produce a keg for him to carry. A keg filled with the greatest sports drink of all time: Booty Juice. Booty Juice: It Makes Sure Your *something* Is Loose. They're giving Titus 12.7 seconds to carry the keg around the ring. He does it but drops the keg before he crosses the finish line like DeSean Jackson! What a great joke. Corey says "Just like DeSean Jackson! I knew what the reference meant!" Corey is good. A match breaks out and Kofi pins Titus.
Main event time, Roman versus Team Kevin and Chris for the US title. So, all night the shark cage has been on the stage. Chekov's shark cage happens when Roman tries to stuff Jericho in it before the bell. He doesn't though and Team Kevin and Chris beat him down around the stage and knock the cage off to the floor. After a pretty cool but fairly heatless and very short match Jericho pins Roman Reigns for the United States championship.
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