Live from the Save Mart Center is beautiful Fresno, California, its the 2005 edition of the Royal Rumble. JR and King on commentary for Raw, Cole and Tazz for Smackdown.
The first match is a Raw match with both men already entered into the rumble. Its Edge vs Shawn Michaels. HBK kicks out of two spears. Edge counters Sweet Chin Music into an electric chair. Edge puts on a weird pseudo-sharpshooter and wins via rollup using the ropes.
Backstage Eric Bischoff and Teddy Long are arguing over who is gonna win the rumble. Christie Hemme and Torrie Wilson are the official lotto women for tonight. They draw numbers for Flair and Eddie. Flair is enthusiastic about his number, Eddie isn't. Eddie steals Flair's number.
Some geek, Heidenreich, is breathing heavy in the locker room. He hates caskets. Snitsky runs in. He doesn't like caskets either. They breath on each other. "I like you, John." "I like you too, Gene." Heidenreich appears to be a fascist?
Druids bring a casket to ringside for a Smackdown match between the Undertaker and Heidenreich, who is, as mentioned, afraid of caskets. Heidenreich is basically Hitler but he has good music. The Undertaker is, thankfully, no longer an American Badass. Taker puts Heidenreich in Hell's Gate, Snitsky runs in and pearl harbors Undertaker. They open the casket but Kane is already in the casket, evening the odds. Taker gets put in the casket but sits up. Taker leg drops the casket with Heidenreich still halfway inside. Taker calls for the chokeslam and scores. Tombstone, casket shut.
Evolution successfully get Flair's number back but meanwhile Eddie has stolen Flair's wallet.
Christian and Cena interact. Tomko refuses to give Christian a beat while Christian out-raps Cena handily. Cena makes a bunch of gay jokes.
The next match is a triple threat between Kurt Angle, Big Show, and JBL. Big Show looks super fat. All three men are going into the match injured. Angle puts show through an announce table. This match is counter-heavy. JBL has two moves: Clothesline and Big Boot. Big Show drives Bradshaw through the barricade. Angle gets flapjacked onto a chair. Luther Reigns and Mark Jindrak break up the pin, Big Show chases them off. JBL's Cabinet revives him, JBL gets the pin on Angle via Clothesline from Hell.
Carlito is trying to get Batista to sign a petition. Batista says no. Carlito says you're not cool if you don't sign his petition. Batista makes him swallow his apple before he can spit in the face of someone who's not cool.
Evolution are banned from ringside in the next match, between Triple H and Randy Orton. The crowd is firmly behind Triple H, the heel. Some inconsequential nonsense happens and Triple H wins with the pedigree, the end.
Fink runs down the rules for the Royal Rumble match. Number one is Eddie Guerrero, and number two is Chris Benoit. These dudes can Wrestle. The crowd loves Eddie. Number three is Daniel Puder. He is going to die. Number four is Hardcore Holly. Uh oh. Puder is dead. After an Alabama Slam, he's eliminated, along with Hardcore Holly. Number five is the Hurricane who is also eliminated. Six is Kenzo Suzuki, seven is Edge, eight is Rey Mysterio, who eliminates Suzuki, nine is Shelton Benjamin, and number ten is Booker T. Eric Bischoff and Teddy Long come down to ring side. Number eleven is Jericho and number twelve is Luther Reigns. The Raw and Smackdown guys square off in the ring, taking sides, and start brawling for no reason and it sucks. Number thirteen is Muhammad Hassan. Everyone teams up on him and eliminates him. Number fourteen is Chief of Staff Orlando Jordan. Number fifteen is Scotty 2 Hotty who gets jumped in the entrance way by Hassan and removed from the Rumble. Number sixteen is Charlie Haas. Booker T eliminates Luther Reigns and Orlando Jordan before spinarooning himself out of the Rumble. Number sevent is Rene Dupree. World's Greatest Tag Team reform for a second before Shelton is eliminated. Number eighteen is Simon Dean who does some squats, warming up outside the ring. Eddie is eliminated by Edge. Number nineteen is HBK, he eliminates Dean and Haas. Number twnety is Kurt Angle, who stole his number off Nunzio. He suplexes everyone but HBK eliminates him via superkick. Number twenty one is Coachman. Twenty two is Mark Jindrak. Kangle runs back in and eliminates HBK, busting him open in the process. Number twenty three is Viscera. Twenty four is Paul London! Jericho eliminates Rene Dupree. Number twenty five is the Doctor of Thuganomics, John Cena. Cena eliminates Viscera single handedly. Snitsky is number twenty six and he eliminates Paul London with the sickest bump off the apron. Twenty seven is Kane who chokeslams everyone, eliminating Jindrak. Number twenty eight is Batista, who eliminates Snitsky, Batista Bombs Kane, and eliminates Jericho. Number twenty nine is Christian. Cena FUs Kane over the top rope. Number thirty is Flair and, with assist from Batista, eliminates Coach, Christian, and Benoit. Edge spears and eliminates Flair. Cena, Mysterio, Edge, and Batista are the final four. Edge spears Cena and Batista and spears Mysterio to the floor. Cena and Batista eliminate Edge. Cena can't seem to FU Batista. They are both eliminated simultaneously, recreating the Luger/Hart angle and it totally sucks. Vince comes down and restarts the match. This time Cena gets eliminated by your Royal Rumble 2005 winner, Dave Batista.
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