Live from the US Airways Arena in beautiful Phoenix, Arizona. JBL, Cole, and King are on the commentary table tonight, the set is a big like twin arrows made of fluorescent light tube pointing at the entrance and the show starts immediately.
Backstage, Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez bump into Bret Hart. Hart tries to give them the rub, calls ADR the "Mexican Bret Hart," and gives Ricardo the Bret Glasses. Ricardo geeks out.
Babyface Alberto Del Rio comes out without a car, just a bucket. JBL hates Mil MAscaras. Big Show is up against Alberto Del Rio in a Last Man Standing match. Big Show has a big ol floppy something on his elbow. The two men brawl to the stage. Big Show throws Del Rio into the light tubes and breaks one over Alberto Del Rio's back. JBL is absolutely insufferable but is probably better than Striker was. Big Show climbs the stage and chokeslams Del Rio through a table. Del Rio pops back up. There's a guy who looks exactly like Guy Fieri in a normal shirt in the front row. Del Rio escapes from the Big Right Hand. Ricardo comes to Del Rio's aid and Big Show spears himself through the barricade off the distraction. Big show screams the f-word. Del Rio hits him with a fire extinguisher and smashes his arm with a chair. Ricardo duct tapes Big Show to the bottom rope for the ten count. This sucked and made everything meaningless, bring back Umaga/Cena.
Striker interviews Dolph, AJ, and Big E. Dolph chooses to be entrant number one. AJ accuses Striker of insinuating that Dolph can't win since he entered at number one. Big E chases him off and interviews Dolph himself. Dolph's plan is to win the rumble, cash in Money in the Bank, and unify the titles at Wrestlemania.
A bunch of talking heads run down why they should win the rumble. Antonio Cesaro, Prime Time Player, Orton, Cena, Wade, Sheamus, Ryback. Ryback's face promo is awesome and is reminiscent of Ultimate Warrior. Orton's promo sucked.
Match two is Rhode Scholars vs Hell No for the Tag Team straps. Rhodes Scholars get the heat on Bryan. Hot tag. Sandow taps out to the No Lock, champs retain.
They play the By The Numbers package followed by the WWE Royal Rumble Fan Fest package, featuring Bo Dallas winning the NXT Tournament for a spot in the Rumble.
Justin Roberts runs down the rules. Number one is Dolph Ziggler. Better than the Miz, worse than CM Punk. Number two is a returning Chris Jericho. Number three is Cody Rhodes, Kofi Kingston is number four, five is Santino Marella. A woman who looks exactly like Dixie Carter is in the front row. Santino is eliminated by Cody. Number six is Drew McIntyre, seven is Titus O'Neil. Jericho eliminates McIntyre. Number eight is Goldust who looks really fat. Number nine is David Otunga, ten is Heath Slater, and eleven is Sheamus who eliminates Titus and Otunga. Number twelve is Tensai. Number thirteen is Brodus Clay who is in relatively good shape. Goldust is eliminated by Cody. Number fourteen is Rey Mysterio, fifteen is Darren Young. Everyone eliminates Brodus, Kofi eliminates Tensai. Ziiggler knocks Kofi to the floor but he lands on Tensai's back and bounces onto the announce table. Number six teen is Bo Dallas, booooo. Kofi rides JBL's chair from the announce table back to the ring, and eliminates Darren Young. He gets eliminated by Cody via Disaster Kick. Number seventeen is Godfather with a ho train. He gets eliminated by Ziggler. Number eighteen is Wade Barrett. Number nineteen is John Cena who eliminates Slater and Cody. Number twenty is Damien Sandow. Wade Barrett eliminates Rey. There are a lot of production errors this show. A lot of production errors. Number twenty one is Daniel Bryan, number twenty two is Antonio Cesaro, twenty three is Great Khali, number twenty four is Kane, number twenty five is Zack Ryder. Kane eliminates Khali, Bryan eliminates Kane. Cody knocks Bryan onto Kane, Kane can but won't put Bryan back on the apron. Number twenty six Randy Orton, Ryder eats and RKO and is eliminated. Number twenty seven is Jinder Mahal. Cesaro is eliminated by Cena. Number twenty eight is the Miz! He brawls with Cesaro in the entry way before entering the match. Jinder Mahal is eliminated by Cena. Number twenty nine is Sin Cara. Bo Dallas eliminates Barrett, he eliminates Dallas. Number thirty is Ryback, he eliminates Sandow, Sin Cara, and Miz. Jericho is eliminated by Ziggler. RKO to Ziggler, Cena, Sheamus. DDT to Ryback. Ryback eliminates Orton. Ryback, Cena, Ziggler, Sheamus. Brogue Kick eliminates Ziggler. Ryback eliminates Sheamus. Cena eliminates Ryback. Your winner and going to Wrestlemania, John Cena!
The last match on the card is CM Punk vs The Rock for the WWE title. They wrestle. The lights go out, Shield powerbomb the Rock through the announce table. Punk makes the pin for one, two, three. Vince restarts the match. Rock reverses the Go-To-Sleep into the People's Elbow to win the belt.
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