Live from the ARCO Arena in beautiful Sacramento, California, its time for the Royal Rumble 1993! Manning commentary tonight are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. They quickly run down the card, revealing an Intercontinental Championship match a World Championship match, along with Big Boss Man vs Bam Bam Bigelow, the revealing of Narcissus, and a big tag team spectacular, which is up first!
The Beverly Brothers enter first followed by the Steiners! Its a bit of a shock seeing the Steiners without "Steinerized" playing. Wristlock takeover from Scott starts off the match. It is near impossible to tell the Beverlys apart so "Beau" locks up with Scott. A hip toss follows, with Beau complaining that Scott pulled his tights. Blake tags in and tries to mess with Rick on the apron. Rick tags in and those two lock up. A cool powerslam from Blake on Rick is answered with another slam after an ill-fated leap frog. Scott tags in, dumps Blake right on his head with a gruesome overhead belly-to-belly. The Beverlys hit a backbreaker followed by a tag, Blake to Beau. A lot of backbreakers later, Beau drops a diving headbutt, the Beverlys are really working over Scott. They do the tag rope choke spot then hit a double underhook bomb for only a one count. Blake rolls Scott into a boston crab but Scott breaks out. Scott stuffs a vertical suplex, hits one of his own but he hot tag is cut off. Scott throws a double underhook bomb just like the Beverlys did earlier and achieves the hot tag. Rick runs wild. Beverlys try a double clothesline but get countered. Scott, who tagged in at some point during the ruckus, hits some mounted punches, reversed into an electric chair lift, countered into a sunset flip for two. Scott finally picks up the win with the Frankensteiner.
A Rockers video package plays, recapping the Michaels/Janetty feud. Essentially, Shawn got full of himself, Marty tried to keep the team together while on Brutus Beefcake's talk show The Barber Shop. After making up and hugging, Shawn superkicked Marty and threw him through the Barber Shop window. Michaels and Sensational Sherri went on a tear until Marty came back and jumped Shawn. To defend himself from a mirror shot, Michaels shoved Sherri in the way and Marty shattered the mirror on her face. Who's side will Sherri be on tonight?
Sherri stands tonight in a neutral corner for the Intercontinental title match, backing neither Shawn nor Marty. Michaels comes out to his original, Sherri-sung music. The two men square off. Shawn shoves Marty with no respect. Marty responds with a punch, Shawn runs away. Marty catches up, irish whips him into the corner and Shawn does that corner bump. Janetty is in total control, Sherri is still neutral, though shows concern over Shawn. Marty hits a tope suicida on Shawn on the floor then drops a fist on him from the top turnbuckle, also to the floor. He gets greedy and the second time he tries the diving punch he pays for it. Shawn rams Marty's shoulder into the ring post twice. Shawn starts getting booed big time. Back in the ring for a shoulderbreaker, Shawn is really working over Marty's shoulder. Janetty taps out but the ref doesn't do anything. When was the tap-out introduced in the WWF? Who knows. Shawn attempts a flying nothing but gets caught with an upkick. Marty powers back. He suplexes Shawn to the outside where Sherri slaps him and the crowd goes wild. Heenan calls Sherri a bimbo and then calls Mr. Perfect "a male bimbo." After a powerslam, Marty goes up for a flying nothing but doesn't get caught like Shawn did. He drops Michaels with a DDT for two. He dodges Sweet Chin Music (was it called that then?) and hits his own superkick. A trade of pinning predicaments followed by a slingshot into the turnbuckle for only two. Ref bump! Marty puts Shawn in a full nelson as Sherri runs in. She tries to hit Shawn with her shoe but hits Marty instead! Shawn back Sherri into a corner for daring to hit him with a shoe. Marty gets back up to defend her but eats a Sweet Chin Music for his trouble. Three count. Sherri dashes backstage with Shawn hot on her heels. Marty gets there in time and the camera feed cuts out.
Bam Bam Bigelow vs the Big Bossman is next. Bam Bam's music is dumb. This is an incredibly boring, plodding match. Nothing ever happens. They do big man moves. Bam Bam does that shoulderblock spot. There are a bunch of mounted punches spots. Bam Bam keeps trying for diving headbutts. Bossman throws Bam Bam with the worst vertical suplex ever in the history of wrestling and nearly kills him. Bossman then does the Christian "slide to the floor, give him a slap" spot. Bam Bam finally goes top rope for a diving headbutt and gets the three. Finally.
Razor Ramon jumps Owen Hart on a video package. They then cut to a backstage pretape of Razor saying he's got gold on his fingers, gold around his neck, and, come rumble, he'll have Bret Hart's World Championship gold around his waist.
At Gorilla position, Mean Gene Okerlund interviews Bret "The Hitman" Hart. Bret says Razor should never have messed with family and that this is now a blood feud.
Stu Hart has ringside tickets as we kick off the World Championship title match. Stu looks kind of confused. The winner of this match has the strap and also faces the winner of the Rumble, whoever that will be, at Wrestlemania. Bret gives his glasses to a little kid and the bell rings. The two men start off brawling. Hart kicks out Razor's leg and works it over before locking in a figure four, which Razor escapes. Razor reverses an irish whip and tosses Bret into the ring post, ribs first. Razor works over Bret's midsection. Razor is firmly in control as he hits a fallaway slam. He cinches in a camel clutch followed by a bear hug. These spots are eternal. Just absolute time wasted. Bret fires up out of the bear hug after the three arm drop spot. Bret's tope suicida to the floor hits Razor. He hits mounted punches followed by more punches and finally knocks Razor flat. Bret hits an atomic drop followed by a clothesline for two. A backbreaker followed by a diving clothesline for two. A bulldog for two. A side russian legsweep for two. Bret then teases the sharpshoot but Razor gets to the ropes. Bret hauls him back to the center of the ring and tries to latch it on. There's a shoot accidental ref bump and Razor manages to escape. Razor works Bret's ribs some more and motions for the Razor's Edge. Bret counters out but gets hammerthrown into the turnbuckle. Bret then ties Razor in an absurd pinning predicament but then gets the Sharpshooter on for the win.
Bobby "The Brain" Heenan comes down to ringside for his special "reveal." He unveils his newest charge, a man called the Narcissist, Lex Luger! This angle sucks and lasts for ever and Brain just about creams himself talking about how gorgeous Luger is. Lex then cuts a boring nothing promo and calls out Mr. Perfect.
Caesar and Cleopatra come down to the ring to make an announcement: Wrestlemania IX is going to take place in Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, Nevada. This was already announced way in advance and there's no reason why this segment was here.
Finally, we reached the main event of the evening! Its time for the Royal Rumble! Monsoon runs down the rules, not Fink. Number one is Ric Flair and number two is the returning Bob Backlund! The announcers are sure to get over that he's 46 and basically might as well be dead, he's so old. Backlund offers his hand to Flair but Flair does that "going to shake your hand but NOPE combing my hair" spot, whatever that's called. The whoopsie thing. Backlund then runs through his spots. Number three is Papa Shango! Flair eliminates Shango with an assist from Backlund. Flair "WOOOO"s and the crowd "WOOOO"s back. Number four is the Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase. Ted takes it to Backlund and the heels double team the geezer. Number five is Nasty Boy Knobbs. Knobbs evens the numbers and almost eliminates Flair. Talking about Backlund, Heenan might have said, "I know all the presidents and they're all white." He maybe said that, not sure. Number six is Virgil. Virgil goes right after, you guessed it, Ted DiBiase. Backlund looks pretty lost in the rumble. Dementia probably. Somewhere around here Knobbs gets eliminated. Jerry "The King" Lawler is number seven. There are some real loud boos for the King. Flair rolls to the floor but immediately rolls back into the ring. Number eight is Max Moon. Max Moon skins the cat but the cameras miss it. He gets eliminated by Lawler. Number nine is Tenryu! He and Flair have a pretty cool chop-off. Number ten is Mr. Perfect and he goes right after Flair. Flair goes up top for that spot where you grab Flair and backdrop him and he looks like he's going to die, but instead of just dumping Flair on his back or out of the ring, Perfect drops him on the ropes. Number eleven is Skinner and Perfect eliminates Flair. Koko B. Ware is number twelve and, man does this guy's gear own. He's got like lime green parachute pants pulled up to his arm pits. Its the best. He does a lot of mounted punches spots. There have been a lot of mounted punches spots this pay per view. Perfect throws Skinner out but he Skins The Cat. He still gets eliminated when Perfect dropkicks him. Number thirteen is Samu of the headshrinkers! Lawler ddts Perfect. That move sure isn't protected in the WWF anymore. The Berserker is number fourteen. Perfect eliminates the King. Lawler tries to take Perfect down with him, despite the ref's protests, and succeeds! Virgil is eliminated. Number fifteen is the Undertaker, and here's where the lackluster rumble really takes a turn for the worse. THe Berserker knocks Backlund out with a chair. Backlund is not eliminated, he's just unconscious. Taker eliminates Samu and Tenryu. Number sixteen is Terry Taylor! Dibiase immediately eliminates both him and Koko B. Ware but eats a chokeslam at the hands of the Undertaker and gets eliminated. The ring is cleared when EL GIGANTE, Giant Gonzales himself, comes out. Looking like a bathmat, Giant Gonzales stalks the ring as Taker throws out the Bezerker. Damien Demento comes out at number seventeen, and hides behind the ring while Giant Gonzales and the Undertaker square off. Giant Gonzales throws Taker over the top rope and beats him up. He chokeslams Taker and walks to the back. Taker is dead and has to be revived by the urn and led to the back by Paul Bearer. Number Eighteen is Irwin R. Schyster. Backlund regains consciousness and returns to the ring, only to get teamed up on by the two heels. Number nineteen is Tatanka. Still in disbelief they killed Taker's "no sell everything" gimmick by El Gigante. Number twenty is Nasty Boy Saggs. Monsoon says he hopes he gets audited. Once Taker came in the match started to suck big time. Number twenty one is Tugboat except he's Typhoon. Typhoon actually sprints to the ring, improbably. Number twenty two is Fatu who looks shockingly like Rikishi as the ring fills up again. Number twenty three is Earthquake who immediately attacks Typhoon and eliminates him. Number twenty four is Carlos Colon! Gorilla says Colon has been in a lot of Rumbles, which is hard to believe given there were only five Rumbles before and he wasn't in any of them. Colon eliminates Damien Demento. Number twenty five is El Matador Tito Santana. Fatu is eliminated by Bob Backlund who looks exhausted. Number twenty six is Rick "The Model" Martel. Martel goes right after former Strike Force partner Tito. IRS gets eliminated by Earthquake via a low bridge. Number twenty seven is Yokozuna. Yokozuna is so large it is no small wonder he's dead. Tatanka and Colon both eliminated by the enormous Yokozuna. Earthquake calls out Yokozuna and they square off, a real sumo and a fake sumo. Number twenty eight is the Rocket, Owen Hart! Yoko belly-to-bellys Earthquake to the floor in a pretty cool elimination. Yokozuna has yet to leave his feet. Number twenty nine is the sneaky Repo Man who sneaks his way into the ring. Everyone teams up on Yokozuna to try and eliminate him but are unsuccessful. The final entrant, number thirty, is the Macho Man, Randy Savage. The crowd goes absolutely nuts. Yoko eliminates Tito, Owen eliminates Saggs. Then Yokozuna eliminates both Owen and Repo Man. Our final four are Rick Martel, Bob Backlund, Yokozuna, and the Macho Man. Backlund suplexes Martel into the top rope then punches him out, elimination. Backlund staggers Yokozuna with his offense but is still eliminated. Savage manages to take Yoko off his feet but Yoko drops a leg on him. A big, fat leg. Macho's fighting spirit is beginning to wane. Savage avoids a Banzai Splash and drops the elbow but gets launched out of the ring during the pin. Your winner, Yokozuna.
Bret confronts Yokozuna backstage as the closing credits roll and the music plays.
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