The first match is The Artist Formerly Known As Goldust vs Vader. TAFKAG is accompanied by Luna Vachon. He turned heel again by dumping Marlena and dying his hair blue. TAFKAG jumps Vader in the entrance way. Vader bumps Luna and takes control of the match. Austin is not in the building yet tonight. Vader gets the steel steps but the ref interferes. This is basically the opposite of last year's Goldust match. Luna distracts Vader and TAFKAG takes over. Luna is very involved in the match, choking Vader behind the referees back. TAFKAG kisses Vader and takes a flip bump off a clothesline. Vader gets two off a splash, goes for the vaderbomb, gets low blowed. He tries for it again, this time Luna jumps on his back. He vaderbombs anyway and picks up three, nearly spiking Luna on her head doing it.
Backstage, Austin thinks Michael Cole is a valet when he arrives at the building.
The next match is a minis match. Battalion, Tarantula, and El Torito versus Nova, Mosaic, and Max Mini, the world's smallest athlete, with Sunny as guest referee. These matches are very uncomfortable. These are full-grown men but everyone pretends they are children. Mike Tyson is looking around confused during this match. Sunny botches her spots and Max Mini goes over El Torito with a cradle.
The Nation orders Mark Henry to beat up the marked man, Stone Cold Steve Austin, but they can't find him. Up in the skybox, Vince and Shane are meeting with Tyson.
There is no retinue for The Rock tonight. He jawjacks with the crowd. JR puts over both UFC and the WWF as Ken Shamrock comes down. This is an Intercontinental Championship match. There's a perfect plex from Shamrock. Rock mostly dominates the match. This match is fun to watch. After a frankensteiner, Shamrock hulks up. A Nation of Domination runs in, distracting the referee. The Rock clocks Ken with brass knucks and hides the knucks in Shamrock's trunks. Shamrock wins with a belly-to-belly suplex. New Intercon champ! The Rock asks the referee to check Ken's tights. He does and finds the brass knuckles, reversing his decision, The Rock retains by disqualification. An angry Shamrock belly-to-bellys the ref before locking the ankle lock on him. JR says Shamrock will be facing a fine or suspension. JR rules.
Backstage, Los Boricuas are hunting down Austin backstage. They find a bald white guy but it turns out he's in DoA. Michael Cole interviews the Legion of Doom. They cut a very old school promo. Animal isn't cleared to wrestle tonight due to a back injury, but will wrestle anyway.
A match for the Tag Team Championship is next. Road Warrior Hawk and Road Warrior Animal vs the New Age Outlaws, the Road Dogg Jesse James and Bad Ass Billy Gunn. This match is entirely onesided for the LoD. Road Dogg whips Animal into the ring steps and really works Animal's back. He then handcuffs Hawk to the ropes. Animal pops back up. Road Dogg nails Animal with a chair for the DQ as LoD continue to make the NAO look like total geeks. None of the moves the Outlaws hit matter, Animal is ostensibly injured and yet won't sell, nothing the Outlaws do make the babyfaces look like they're in peril for a second and even with one guy handcuffed they can't get the pin. Hawk breaks the handcuffs and clears house.
Mildred Bowers of Nashville, Tennessee wins a Stone Cold truck.
Fink runs down the rules for the Royal Rumble match. Number one is Cactus Jack who carries a trash can to the ring. Number two is Chainsaw Charlie who brings a chainsaw to the ring. The two of them start beating each other over the head with chairs. They do the Necro Butcher spot with chairs instead of slaps. Number three is Tom Brandi. He gets mauled and eliminated. Funk and Foley keep brawling. Cactus suplexes Charlie through a chair. Number four is the Intercontinental Champ, The Rock, Rocky Maivia. The Rock goes out under the bottom rope. Number five is Mosh. Chainsaw whiffs a moonsault. Number six is Phineas I. Godwin and number seven is 8-Ball, an infamous Harris brother. Cactus gets eliminated by Chainsaw. Number eighteen is Blackjack Bradshaw, number ninety is Owen Hart who gets jumped by Jeff Jarrett and Jim Cornette, he is unable to make it to the ring. Number ten is Steve Blackman. 8-Ball piledrives Funk. King says Ken Shamrock jumped Austin backstage. Number eleven is D'Lo brown who immediately turns on the Rock. Number twelve is Kurrgan, who eliminates Mosh. Number thirteen is Marc Mero with Sable, there is a loud Sable chant. Number fourteen is Ken Shamrock, who eliminates Kurrgan with the help of some other geeks. Number fifteen is Thrasher. Number sixteen is Mankind, who eliminates Chainsaw Charlie. Number seventeen is The Artist Formerly Known As Goldust, wearing his Madonna gear, and he eliminates Mankind. Number eighteen is Jeff Jarrett with Jim Cornette. Owen Hart recovers, enters the Rumble, and eliminates Jarrett. Number nineteen is the Honky Tonk Man, followed by non-entrants HHH and Chyna. Chyna eliminates Owen and they beat him down with Hunter's crutch. Number twenty is Ahmed Johnson. He looks really hurt. Number twenty one is Mark Henry. "He's really handling the big Johnson." Mero sucks a whole lot wow. He just dances in the middle of the ring, looking for a spot. Number twenty two is... no one. Henry eliminates Johnson, 8-Ball eliminates PIG, the two brawl to the back. Number twenty three is Kama, number twenty four is Austin but he comes from the stands and eliminates Mero and 8-Ball. Number twenty five is Henry Godwinn. Number twenty six is Savio Vega but the rest of Los Boricuas runs in with him. Austin clears them out. Number twenty seven is Faarooq who goes right after the rest of the Nation. Austin and Rock brawl on the outside, under the ropes. Number twenty eight is Dude Love, he eliminates Bradshow. Rock hits the People's Elbow on D'Lo. Austin keeps going after the rock. Number twenty nine is Chainz, and number thirty is Vader, who eliminates Honky Tonk Man. The whole Nation is in the ring now. Austin eliminates Thrash and Kama and Savio Vega and Chainz. TAFKAG eliminates Vader. HOG eliminates himself. TAFKAG is eliminated. Faarooq eliminates Mark Henry. The final four are Dude Love, Faarooq, Austin, and the Rock. Faarooq eliminates the Dude, the Rock eliminates Faarooq, Rock is eliminated via Stunner and Austin wins the 'Mania shot for the second year in a row!
Mike Tyson loves "Cold Stone" and calls HBK a "Young up-and-comer."
Finally, for the World Championship, a casket match between the Heart Break Kid, Shawn Michaels, and the Phenom, The Undertaker. There's pyro strapped to the ring posts, telegraphing interference. This is yet another Taker match. What is it with casket matches? There's zero appeal there. HBK throws powder in Taker's eyes from inside the casket. Michaels piledrivers Taker on the ring steps. DX keeps Taker on the ground. Taker gets rolled into the casket but sits up. He powers out of a long sleeper but gets put down again. Michaels drops the elbow, Taker sits up, and gets hit with Sweet Chin Music. Taker sits up and grabs Shawn's balls mid-crotch chop, Taker still ends up in the casket. Shawn drops the elbow on Taker while he's in the casket, the lid closes with both of them in. In a cool camera shot, Shawn tries to crawl out but Taker drags him back in. Both men escape, in the end. Taker tombstones Shawn into the casket. Before the refs can shut the lid, DX and Los Boricuas run in, bumping the ref and attacking Taker. The lights go out. Kane appears and cleans house. DX drags Shawn out of the casket and take him backstage. Kane beats down Taker and chokeslams him into the casket. He and Paul Bearer padlock the casket and drag it up the ramp. Kane hacks up the casket with an ax and lights it on fire to close the show. Bearer looks way huger than normal.
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