Vince McMahon screams, welcoming us to the Providence Civic Center in beautiful Providence, Rhode Island for the 1994 edition of the Royal Rumble! Tonight we have three title matches plus the Rumble: IRS vs Razor Ramon for the Intercontinental Championship, Bret and Owen Hart vs the Quebecers for the Tag Team Championships, and Paul Bearer's terrifying Undertaker vs Yokozuna in a casket match, whoever can force his opponent into a casket and shut the lid wins the WWF World Championship. Ted Dibiase joins Vince at ringside for commentary. Vince calls Dibiase the Madden of the WWF, referencing Madden's enormous new contract. Dibiase says Madden should have come work for the WWF. "In the Royal Rumble," Dibiase says, "Anything and everything goes."
There are a bunch of little foam axes in the crowd as Tatanka Native American, the nearly undefeated Tatanka Native American, comes down to face Bam Bam Bigelow. Bam Bam is accompanied by his "main squeeze" Luna Vachon. Bam Bam tries to jump Tatanka but Tatanka dodges and takes Bam Bam off his feet. Huge DDT from Tatanka, he goes up top but doesn't score. Bam Bam hits a Stinger Splash not once but twice. Tatanka tries a sunset flip but gets sat on. Tatanka tries to fire up but eats a dropkick for two. Bear hug spot, three arm drops, Tatanka powers out but immediately gets cut off. Tatanka powerslams Bam Bam for two while Vince continues to totally suck on commentary. Tatanka does a little war dance but Bam Bam shuts him up with an enzigiri. Bam Bam then whiffs a top rope moonsault and Tatanka wins with a top rope crossbody.
Next up is a recap of the Owen/Bret friction. After some miscommunication, Bret and Owen start shoving each other during a match. On Superstars, Vince asks Owen if he feels like he's in Bret's shadow, Owen says yes and challenges Bret to a match. Bret refuses it and they quickly make up. Meanwhile the Quebecers were far from dominant, losing their belts to Marty Janetty and the 1-2-3 Kid before regaining them at Madison Square Garden. Bret and Owen swear they've made up and guarantee they'll take the belts from the Quebecers.
The Quebecers are accompanied by Johnny Polo. Get ready for an angle in this match! Bret blocks a bunch of moves then tags in Owen. Owen does some flippy counters. They really show off the dynamic of Bret and Owen, Bret being the technician and Owen being the high flyer. The Quebecers beat down Owen but he gets right on back up. They do a house show handshake spot but when Owen goes to shake Jacques' hand, Jacques just flicks him off. Owen hits a step-up enzigiri for two followed by a double team Demolition Decapitation for a two count. Vince says, "A small package! That should do it!" Vince sucks. Bret tries some creative pins, none of which succeed, and the match breaks down. The Harts get the upper hand off a cool double team spot and the heels powder out. Waistlock belly-to-back by Owen. Quick tags by the babyfaces until a tag rope choke spot turns the favor back towards the Quebecers. There's a "Go Bret Go" chant. The Harts get a hot tag off an upkick. Belly-to-belly, spinning crescent kick, sharpshooter from Owen but the other Quebecer breaks it up. Owen kicks out of a double team guillotine, Bret tags back in and runs wild. This match is really sloppy and really bad for a Bret match. A miscommunication spot leaves Bret tumbling to the floor courtesy of Johnny Polo, of course this spot is way out of position and looks incredibly stupid. Owen goes to check on Bret but the ref pulls him back as the Quebecers work Bret over. Everyone is out of position including the referee. Owen is clearly and visibly directing traffic. Back in the ring, Owen barely saves Bret from a Boston crab. Bret is very obviously hurt, especially his leg, having been worked over so much by the Quebecers. Fresh Owen is desperately trying to tag in. The Quebecers miss an assisted senton allowing Bret to apply the sharpshooter, poorly. In the end Bret's legs are too tired, he releases the hold, and the ref calls for the bell. The champs retain via TKO in a horrible match with a horrible finish, this totally sucked.
Owen gets in the ring and stands over Bret as Bret tries to stand up. He starts berating him. Bret gets to his feet, Owen kicks his leg out of his leg and storms to back. Owen says the camera that Bret is "too damn selfish" while doctors attend to Bret. An interviewer tries to interview a prone and unconscious Bret but can only declare that Bret will be unable to compete in the Royal Rumble match.
Backstage, Todd Pettingil interviews Owen Hart. Hart reiterates that his brother is selfish. Bret ruined Owen's one opportunity to get the belts. Bret has had plenty of shots, but Owen got just this one and Bret ruined it by being selfish, trying to win the match by himself. This promo owns. This is the famous "That's why I kicked your leg out of your leg" promo.
IRS comes down to the ring, berating the crowd for not paying taxes. On commentary for this match, and this match alone unfortunately, are good ol' Jim Ross and regular old Gorilla Monsoon. The crowd absolutely loves Razor. The match starts off with a brawl, IRS retreats. IRS allegedly has a briefcase with Razor Ramon's chain in it, and its sitting at ringside like Chekhov's briefcase. This match is a dirty brawl. IRS gets knocked down and Razor drops hammerfists before IRS powers out. Brawl to the outside, Razor nearly dies taking a bump near the ring steps, missing them by inches. Back into the ring, they keep brawling. This is a fun match. As soon as that's said, we enter a long chin lock spot. IRS is dripping with sweat and this spot goes on forever. Razor powers out, they keep brawling. Razor hits a fallaway slam for two. Ref bump! IRS goes to conk Razor with the briefcase but Razor counters and nails IRS with it. Razor gets the visual pin but there's no referee to count. Shawn Michaels runs in and hits Razor with the Intercontinental title and skedaddles out of there. Everyone is laid out, IRS, Razor, and the Ref. IRS stirs first, gets the cover and the three. We have a new Intercontinental champion! But wait! Earl Hebner runs down and informs the ref that Michaels ran in and the match is restarted! Ramon immediately hauls IRS up for the Razor's Edge, three count, the champ retains for realsies this time. That's two BS finishes in a row, for those keeping track.
An Undertaker/Yokozuna feud video package airs.
There's a rad fan sign in the crowd. Its a tombstone with christmas lights around it but whenever a camera flashes near it you can read "RIP Yoko Zuna." Its really cool. The Undertaker squares off with Yokozuna, with Paul Bearer, Jim Cornette and Mr. Fuji at ringside. Taker not only immediately takes Yokozuna off his feet, he knocks him out of the ring. Taker goes old school, or maybe new school, who knows. Chairs are introduced by Yokozuna but Undertaker breaks one over his back. Yoko throws salt in Taker's eyes to take over the match to resounding USA chants. Yokozuna teases a casket close but Taker gets out. Yoko hits Undertaker with a belly-to-belly but Undertaker sits up, unfazed. A big DDT from Yokozuna knocks both men down. Taker is quickly revived by the power of the urn though and manages to roll the enormous man into the casket. Before he can close the lid, the Undertaker is jumped by, of all people, CRUSH! Then he's jumped by Kabuki and Tenryu, and then Bam Bam Bigelow, and then Adam Bomb, and then Jeff Jarrett! Fuji is throwing everything he has at Taker but still cant get him off his feet. Samu and Fatu run in, Taker goes down, but he keeps sitting up. Basically the entire heel roster, including Diesel, are beating him down and he's no-selling the entire thing. Yoko steals the urn and clobbers Taker with it. He throws the urn to the ground and green smoke starts to pour from it. The heels gangup and finally manage to get Taker into the casket and close the lid. Still your champ, Yokozuna! Three BS finishes.
The bad guys drag the casket to the back, but before they make it, green smoke begins to pour from the casket. Cut to a video on the video block wall thing of the Undertaker in the casket. He says he lives in the souls of all mankind. He cuts an inspiring promo and says he'll be back. He ascends to the heavens in the video. The camera then cuts to something ascending in the rafters. Can't tell but Taker appears to be quite literally going to heaven.
Finally, its time for the Royal Rumble match! Fink runs down the rules and emphasizes, there are no friends, only foes. Number one is Scott Steiner and number two is Headshrinker Samu. Steiner is pretty good at his job. Number three is Rick Steiner, who comes out to a chorus of dog barks. It's suplex o'clock with both Steiners in the ring. Steinerize! Number four is Kwang. Samu accidentally does the Cactus Jack head choke spot with the ropes. He makes it out but gets easily eliminated by Scott Steiner. The Steiners square off for a second before Kwang hits the ring. Number five is Owen Hart, to raucous boos. Kwang does some absurd, ridiculous karate moves. Owen eliminates Rick Steiner. Number six is Bart Gunn who goes straight for Owen. McMahon says something is happening backstage. Number seven is Diesel. Dibiase says Diesel is almost as tall as him, standing on his wallet. Dibiase is dedicated to the gimmick, that's for sure. Bart Gunn, and Scott, and Owen, and Kwang are all eliminated by Diesel who stands in the ring alone. Number eight is Bob Backlund who comes perilously close to eliminating Diesel but gets eliminated himself instead. Number nine is Billy Gunn who immediately gets thrown out. Virgil is number ten, he gets thrown around then eliminated. Diesel has eliminated seven men so far, but a stumbling block is finally put in his way, the Macho Man Randy Savage at number eleven. Number twelve is J-E-double F J-A-double R-E-double T. Jarrett struts around instead of trying to eliminate anyone. Macho eliminates him. Number thirteen is Crush. Macho goes to the top rope twice but doesn't get eliminated. Number fourteen is Doink, with Dink. Doink stands back and watches Crush, Macho, and Diesel fight. Crush eliminates Savage, then he and Diesel set their sights on Doink and pulverize him. Number fifteen in Bam Bam Bigelow with Luna. He press slams Doink to the floor dangerously. Number sixteen is Mabel, the crowd chants "Whoomp (There It Is)" at him. Diesel pulls the straps down to face off with Mabel. Number seventeen is Sparky Plugg, replacing the 1-2-3 Kid, who has a knee injury. Number eighteen is Shawn Michaels. Shawn and Diesel square off at first, but then everyone gangs up on Diesel. Number nineteen is Mo, but the crowd's sick of chanting Whoomp by the time he gets out there. There are some large lame ducks in the ring right now, plus Michaels, who skins the cat. Number twenty is THE HAMMER, Greg "The Hammer" Valentine. No one has been eliminated in a while. Number twenty two is Tatanka. Mabel is capital G Gassed. Number twenty two is Kabuki. Everyone gangs up and eliminates Mabel. Number twenty three is Lex Luger, who was attacked backstage by Kabuki and Tenryu earlier. Number twenty four is Tenryu himself who has some sick chops in his arsenal. Number twenty six is none other than the iron man, Rick "The Model" Martel, who lasted nearly an hour in an earlier rumble. Mo takes a crisp back bump in the middle of the ring for literally no reason. Was that part of his gimmick? There was a buzzer at some point but no one came out and it was assumed it was Bret Hart who didn't make it. However, number twenty seven is Bret "Hit Man" Hart, who limps to the ring. Number twenty eight is Headshrinker Fatu. The end of this match should be telegraphed by now if any Rumble history is remembered. Bret helps eliminate Crush. Marty Janetty is Number twenty nine and he goes straight after Michaels. Marty dodges a superkick and delivers one of his own. Vince has said "The whole ring is filled with humanity" like four times by this point. Number thirty is Adam Bomb. Bret eliminates Sparky Plugg. Bastion Booger was the guy who didn't come out at the buzzer earlier. Sometime around here Diesel gets eliminated, probably. No precise details are to be had. Martel eliminates the hammer, Tatanka eliminates Martel. Luger eliminates Adam Bomb and Tatanka is also eliminated. Luger then eliminates Bam Bam. Someone eliminates Janetty. Luger and Bret together eliminate Tenryu. The final four are Shawn Michaels, Headshrinker Fatu, Lex Luger, and Bret Hart. Can you guess who's going to win? Fatu and Michaels are eliminated by Luger and Bret respectively, at the same time. Bret and Luger then eliminate each other, also at the same time. Thanks to the camera angle, we can't see whose feet touched the ground first. Lex is announced the winner to some really loud boos. The refs reconvene and Bret is announced the winner to cheers. The referees get in an argument and Jack Tunney has to come down. Some awesomely-framed video replays fail to show who landed first, but it definitely looks like they landed together. Finally the winner is... a tie! BOOOOOOO.
"You know what, McMahon," asks Dibiase, "I have a lot of money." End of statement and end of pay-per-view. Four BS finishes. Four out of five, including a rumble. What is this world coming to.
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